How To Fail
We may come to a place where we are so averse to failure that we avoid it at all cost …which maybe sounds like the path of success, but what tends to happen along that path is not the success we want. What if, in order to succeed, rather than avoiding failure, what we need, is to become good at failure.
Do you know the story about the farmer who went out to plant seed in his field?
As he was scattering seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. Some seed fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and produced a hundred times more than what was planted.”
Do you see that most seed fails. But if you look outside, it certainly does not appear so. What if this story is saying, “most of what we try doesn’t work” ….but what does work, really works. Most of our attempts fail but if we are persistent and generous enough with our attempts, a few of those attempts will be abundantly successful.
Do you see that this is already true in your life. When you were little, you fell over and over again. Learning to walk was failure upon failure …until it was a success. Playtime was so much about repeating what didn’t work …until it did work. You and I grew so much when we offered generous allowance for failure.
We might come to believe, “Failure is embarrassing and shameful; failure means that we’re inferior; failure means we’ll never get it; failure means the door is closed; or maybe we can’t afford to fail?” But avoiding failure will be our most disappointing failure.
If we must succeed, it will be necessary to learn to fail generously.
We must not be above failure. We are born of failure.
Who Needs Therapy?
For too many years, I thought therapy was for other people. I could think my way out of problems.
The thinking solution only half works. And your partner will be the first to notice when the other half is missing. They did not just choose a thoughtful and practical partner. They chose one with whom an emotional bond could form. This part often retreats when couples get closer (ie. move in, get married, share a family…). It seems easier to manage a relationship without the messiness of the emotional half. But this retreating half never goes away. It is always a part of you. It is there but it is neglected. It hurts. This is who needs therapy.
Watch the video below entitle “How to Beat the Bully" and consider this: Sometimes we bully a part of ourselves.. One half dominates the other. We may decide that emotions are weak and cannot be trusted while thoughts are strong and reliable. The experience of therapy will help you to discover, your neglected half was a strong trustworthy partner all along.
Looking for a therapist “near me”
I am learning about Google searches these days as I plan out advertising strategies for my work. Over and above all other keyword combinations is the general search for a therapist, psychotherapist, or counsellor “near me”. Depending on where you live, and Google’s mood, you may or may not find me. But finding me is not necessarily what you need. Several times a month, clients find me, only to realize they are looking for someone else.
I suspect, for too many, the exhausting search halts the process before it has a chance to begin.
Let me help you to refine your search with 3 TIPS to finding the BEST therapist for you. Also consider, with the advent of online therapy, you may not even need to find a therapist “near you”.
Focus on your particular concerns
Add some keywords to your search in order to find a therapist who specializes with your concern (eg. depression, anxiety, stress, relationship trouble, communication, marriage, identity issues, infidelity and affairs, parenting, grief, guilt, trauma, couples or individual therapy…)Determine what service is required
Some benefits providers require “psychological supervision”. This service tends to cost more in order to pay the supervising psychologist’s fee. Some benefits providers require therapists to be “Registered Psychotherapists”. Some leaves-of-absence require certain treatments (eg. CBT treatment is often required/preferred for treatment of depression).
These first two steps will narrow down your search to a specialist with more training and experience related to your concerns.Shop around
Therapists are well aware that research points to “the therapeutic relationship” (ie. a good fit) as the single greatest determining factor to successful outcomes in therapy. That is why many therapists offer a free 15-30 minute consultation. Therapists want to be successful in their work, and so finding a suitable fit is in their best interest too. Consider reaching out to at least 3 therapists. Find someone you can relax with. Find someone relatable. You will not regret this investment in the process.
Bonus Shortcut
Call a clinic: Some clinics employ a team of therapists representing a variety of experience, training, and specializaiton. Intake staff are trained to match your concerns with an experienced specialist. They can also help to guide you through questions about benefits coverage. Some clinics offer the option to meet with several therapists.
Good luck on your search!
Be sure to reach out if you would like to meet. You can book a free online consultation following the link below.
Why Your Partner Needs Therapy, But You Don't.
Transcript:
When a couple's relationship is going well, differences are affirmed and celebrated. one partner brings an excitement; the other brings a calm. One brings a closeness for intimate bonding; the other creates space for renewing desire. Partners move back and forth with each other in a dance, and find a way to make differences work for the relationship.
But under stress those same differences end up splitting and taking sides in each partner. Now, excitement feels like a neediness to the other and calm feels like a an indifference or a disregard. Closeness feels like a suffocating pressure, and and space feels like an abandonment.
This isn't a problem with one of the partners but a split involving both. One is anxious and outwardly upset; the other is anxious but inwardly overwhelmed. One is angry and shouting; the other is expressionless and quiet. One seems to overreact; the other seems to under react. One expresses their emotion trying to bring back a connection or a closeness; the other disconnects from emotion trying to bring back a calm or peacefulness.
Now, on the surface it appears that one partner is upset and out of control, and the other is calm and in control. But both partners are anxious. One experiences it outwardly and the other experiences it inwardly. And the the more one partner goes up in emotion, the more the second partner goes down in emotion. The more the first person partner gets angry and shouts and criticizes, the more the second person withdraws is quiet and shuts down. And the more the second partner shuts down the more it feels like a rejection to the first partner and the more upset they become. The more upset they become, the more overwhelming it is to the to the second partner, and the more they withdraw.
Each partner is reacting to the other, and things escalate. Now here's the thing: If only one partner shows up for therapy it tends to be the one who's angry and shouting, the one who seems to overreact, the one who expresses their emotion outwardly, the one who appears to be out of control, and anxious.
But the other partners inner anxiety may be causing just as much stress to the relationship. Because it's inward it's hard to see this difference.
May be why it appears that your partner needs therapy but you don't
All too often, it seems that it's just one partner that's responsible for stress in the relationship. But in dynamics like this, therapy serves the relationship best when both partners show up for the work.
Years ago i showed up to couples therapy thinking that i was mostly there to support my anxious partner. I was more surprised than she was to find out why there was so much stress in our relationship.
My therapist needs a therapist... and that's no lie!
Transcript:
It's getting to the end of February and the days are much brighter again. Every year at around this time i also welcome back a brightness to my emotion. I don't notice it so much on the other end of the season as I'm lulled into a somber winter sleep.
It's so gradual that on on most days I don't realize how difficult the winter has been, and how much i miss being more happy. Dr. Elvin Semrad taught the the sources of human suffering are the lies we tell ourselves, and he insisted: people never heal without knowing what they know and feeling what they feel.
Now he's not saying that that people suffer because they go about life with a deliberate dishonesty, but he's saying that hardship and trouble can lull us into a numbness. And to not feeling emotional pain that's still there, and into ignoring trouble we know has happened to us.
Now, numbing and ignoring, may be what got us through a very hard season, and that's good. Sometimes that's the only way through. But if we keep numbing, and if we keep ignoring what hurts, parts of ourselves are held back. And this is where the lie is.
A denial of our fullest self. We're not able to fully show up emotionally. We're not able to fully show up in our relationships. And we suffer. The trouble is it's hard to feel what we've adapted to not feeling, and to know what we've spent so long forgetting.
It's like a winter has gradually come over us and it's hard to remember. Well it's winter, what we were like in the summer. May not even feel like a winter suffering until in retrospect we've had the renewing experience of a summer again.
This emotional deception or or lie as Semrad insists is something I experience just as much as anyone else. And for me sitting down with a therapist has been so helpful in allowing me to fully reconnect with myself; to feel what I feel, and to know what I know.
To see what healing can come to hurt so that it can finally be left behind. Every season surprises me with a lie and a suffering that's waiting for retirement. And so i look forward to seeing my therapist this season and I look forward to fully reconnecting with myself.
And I hope you do, too.